My mom shared this tip with me years ago, and though I thought it was clever at the time, I never truly grasped its importance until yesterday. It’s something simple, almost too simple, but it could make all the difference in the world: a code word.
The idea is straightforward—choose a secret word or phrase that only you and your child know, a word they can use in any situation where they feel uncomfortable, scared, or unsafe but can’t openly express it. It might be during a sleepover that’s taking a weird turn, a party that suddenly feels wrong, or even a visit to a place that just doesn’t sit right with them.
For us, that word was “pineapple.” We picked it out when my daughter, Emily, was around nine, and we’ve used it a few times in innocent ways—like when she wanted to leave a friend’s house early or when she felt nervous about a situation but didn’t want to make a scene. But yesterday was different.
Emily was spending the weekend with her dad, my ex-husband, which was a pretty regular arrangement. Though we had our differences, I never had reason to worry about her safety when she was with him. But yesterday, during a routine phone call, she casually slipped the word “pineapple” into our conversation. My heart skipped a beat.
“Hey, Mom,” she said cheerfully. “Dad and I are having pizza tonight. I asked for pineapple on mine, just like I always do.”
It was subtle, almost unnoticeable, but I knew Emily. She didn’t like pineapple on pizza—she never had. I could feel the tension creeping into my chest as I tried to stay calm on the phone.
“Sounds great, sweetie,” I replied, keeping my voice light. “I’ll see you tomorrow, okay?”
We ended the call, but the second I hung up, I grabbed my keys and headed out the door. There was no time to waste. I didn’t know what was going on, but the code word meant something was wrong, and that was all I needed to know.
The drive to my ex-husband’s house felt like an eternity. I couldn’t shake the anxiety gnawing at me—what if something had happened? What if Emily was in danger?
When I finally arrived, I found Emily waiting outside on the porch. She looked relieved to see me, and I could tell something was off. I hugged her tightly, feeling the tension melt away as I held her close.
“Mom, I’m so glad you’re here,” she whispered, her voice trembling slightly. “I didn’t know how else to tell you.”
We got in the car, and as we drove away, she explained what had happened. Apparently, her dad had invited a friend over, someone Emily didn’t know very well. The man had been friendly enough, but something about him made her uneasy. He asked too many questions, kept trying to get her alone, and she just didn’t feel safe.
“I didn’t want to make a big deal out of it,” Emily said, “but I knew I needed to get out of there.”
The code word had been her lifeline, a way to signal distress without causing a scene or putting herself in a risky situation. I was grateful we had it, and I was even more thankful that she used it when she needed to.
This experience reminded me just how crucial it is to have a plan in place for situations like these. A code word might seem trivial, but it can be a powerful tool for your loved ones, especially when they’re in a situation where they can’t speak openly.
Here are some tips if you’re thinking about setting up a code word with your child or loved ones:
1. **Make it unique and unrelated to common conversations.** It should be a word or phrase that’s easy to remember but unlikely to come up in normal dialogue. Avoid using names of pets, family members, or anything too obvious.
2. **Ensure everyone understands when and how to use it.** The code word should be used only in situations where they feel unsafe or uncomfortable and need help getting out. Make sure they know it’s okay to use it whenever they feel they need to.
3. **Practice it in low-stress situations.** Test the code word in non-threatening situations to help your child get comfortable using it. For example, if they want to leave a sleepover or a playdate early, encourage them to use the code word.
4. **Keep it a secret.** The code word should only be known by those who are part of the plan—your child, you, and maybe another trusted adult. The fewer people who know it, the more effective it will be.
Yesterday was a wake-up call for me. It showed me that no matter how much we trust others, there can always be unexpected situations where our loved ones need a way to signal for help discreetly. That code word was our safety net, and I’m so glad we had it.
I hope that by sharing our story, more families will consider creating their own code words. It’s a small step, but it can make a world of difference when it matters most.